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| OPPRESSION with no silver lining |
Bed is insufferabe, stifling. I can't sleep. I'm more wound up by the minute. The cat's gone troppo, chasing invisible prey, scuttling fine glasses on the kitchen bench. I need to establish a Drug Journal now. I have succombed to Clonazepam, five minutes ago. The magic hammer pill should knock me out in half an hour flat giving me at least seven hours quality sleep. It will also return some time tonight to bomb me out for a longer period, such I experienced, last time, many moons ago. Tension is mounting. Three sleeps to Start of Treatment Day. Will it work? How will I survive the side-effect rigours? How much more pain will I need to endure. "Pain is inevitable, sufferng is not ..." I feel like razoring the top of my mouth. I have a massive tooth ache in the right lower back region. Michael says it's phantom. PHANTOM, well he can have it. It hurts real to me. I think I've taken my full quota of Panamax till breakfast time. The idea of taking more fills me with queaze.
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| Our traditional tree, the Poinsiana, full bloom in November. Twenty-six anniversaries of being there for us and for all |
If I can't sleep, my sensitivity sky-rockets. Pain is heightened. Anger is close, Dangerous. Speaking with force, treacherous. Needs to be nipped. Calm, serenity, breathing easily is not so easy.
Need to start scheduled relaxation and meditation. It's not like I haven't got the material. I made my own CD years ago when I started teaching Speech & Drama. Teacher guide thyself...
I can be petulant at this hour. Mighty wilful. At least all I am doing so far is typing. Fairly harmless. Waiting for the drug to swoon in, take over control, become my Higher Power.
I have started mentally packing for Sunday night. THE TRIP to S of T. (Start of Treatment: SofT, I like that.) Softly, softly, one day at a time. Or in today's case one hour at a time.
Sudoko game, (new); book club book, "The Happy Refugee", another book in case I get bored, portable DVD player, "Indochine", fabulous flick I enjoyed at a film festival in Hanoi last year when celebrating my 50th. The "Twilight" series; haven't watched them yet if Indochine stirs too many emotions. Toiletries: Brine rinse, mousse, Sorbolene, pink lady, cardigan, scarf, hat to cover up from the sun after radio therapy, edible food as the Oncology unit doesn't run to much, i-pod, headphones, Laptop ... O M G should just move in there! I'll be there about seven hours.
Monday morning, this is the drum:
1. Wake, stretch, rise (2 min)
2. Rinse, take Thyroxine, Panamax (3 min)
3. Slurp from the Pink Glass Water Bottle (2 min)
4. Teaspoon honey mixed with a teaspoon of Tumeric (2 min)
5. Slurp water (2 min)
6. Make de-caf Tea (1 min)
7. Write morning pages, Connect with God, pray, off-load, affirm (20 min)
8. Drink Tea (1 min)
9. Swallow 10mls Pink Lady if necessary (2 min)
10, Liquid Breakfast (5 min)
11. Rinse (2 min)
12. Slurp Lithium, Sodium Valporate, Celery Seed and Mega B (1 min)
13. Brush teeth (2 min)
14. Mousse teeth (1 min)
15. Shower (5 min)
16. Apply Sorbolene (2 min)
17. Pop the pop sticks in on left side to extend the gap (6 min)
18. Dress with wide-brimmed hat for aftermath of radiation (5 min)
19. Ask Michael to carry my pack and drive me to the Alan Walker Oncology Unit (15 min) for 9am appointment!!!!
How long is all that going to take? About an hour and 20 minutes. Set the alarms for 7.40am - same time Amy heads off for school. Not too bad timing.
May have to print that one out....
And Now, off to Ebay... want to check on a small collection of cute clothes for the birthday girl. A whopper addiction that monopolised me fully last week resulting in a rash purchase of four pairs of funky denim shorts from the US on a dear friend's Paypal. I am unable to spend money on credit, stuff up big time with Paypal, long unpleasant headache. But I found another shorts delight in Oz and scored them too... Enough for 3 years just about. So to the next site. Adieu
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